


What Could've Been

by clarissa_writes



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Don’t copy to another site, F/M, Moving On, Post-Break Up, Post-Endgame, Time Travel, so much angst you will drown in it, steve goes back in time and regrets it whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-10-29 02:14:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20788907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clarissa_writes/pseuds/clarissa_writes
Summary: Steve stays in the past when returning the stones, leaving you behind and erasing everything you two were to each other. Decades pass and he wonders if he made the right decision. Especially since the memories of you still lingers in his mind years after.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Time travel concept is different than in the movie. If you travel back in time, you mess with the future. You don’t have memories of Steve. He erased that the minute he decided to stay behind. You two never met. I didn’t want to make Steve go back in time and have another separate Steve still sleeping in ice. Whoops.

It felt traitorous.

It felt like infidelity.

It felt wrong.

Steve was happy. He was happier than he's ever been. He knew that. How could he not be? He woke up everyday with a beautiful woman snuggled in his arms, cheek resting on his chest. He spent day and night with someone he loved, someone who loved him, living life to the fullest when he wasn't on missions. You two had adopted a dog, Lincoln, planned for the future, had a ring on your left hand, discussed kids and yet this happiness felt like betrayal.

That somehow he was betraying Peggy even when she herself had lived on and had a life of her own without him. Even when she grew to love someone else, had kids with him and grew old with him. Steve felt as if he was disrespecting what he and Peggy had- the first woman who had spared him a glance and saw passed muscles and brawn and saw the skinny kid from Brooklyn for who he was- by being _this_ happy.

It bothered him to no end but he'd push those thoughts to the back of his head because hell, they'd missed their chance long ago and there was no point in dwelling on what ifs. On lost chances you can never get back.

Until there was.

* * *

Steve loved you. He felt it in his bones. That all consuming, fiery love that was so passionate it burned through every fiber of his being. Every touch ignited flames of passion, every kiss dragged him deeper and deeper in love with you in a bottomless ocean. The way he loved you was fierce. So fierce it worried him. It was impossible to love someone like he loved you and yet here he was. So irrevocably in love with you.

But this was Peggy.

Peggy, the woman who looked his way when no other dame did.

Peggy, who believed in him when the world doubted him.

Peggy, in the pretty red dress with matching red lips.

Peggy, the first woman he loved.

Peggy, the woman he'd lost to time.

Seeing her again when trying to get the stones back hit him hard. Seeing her in the flesh so young and beautiful like the last time he saw her before going in the ice had him reeling in on the possibilities they could've had. The life they could've lived together.

The life he’d lost when he sacrificed himself by bringing the ship down.

The life she lived with another.

And as the fight with Thanos dragged on, and Tony's words about living his life rang in his ears, he'd made up his mind. It was rash, sudden, definitely reckless, impulsive and hasty but he had made his decision. The time he’d lost was in his reach.

He knew he would be turning his back on the team.

He knew it meant losing his place in the Avengers.

He knew it meant losing you.

And yet when he stood there on the platform, stones in the case and hammer by his side, he had met your unsuspecting gaze, knowing this would be the last time he would see those pretty eyes of yours. Knowing that when he stayed behind, he would've erased what you two had; erased himself from your life and future because Steve Rogers would have never met (Y/N) (L/N) and you would never have fallen in love with him.

There would never be any more lingering touches, chaste kisses, waking up beside you, slow dancing in the living room after pushing all the furniture out the way, no hot chocolate in front of the fire place, no more Lincoln, no more engagement, no more future Mrs. (Y/N) Rogers-

He would be nothing more than Captain America to you.

As you smile at him, waving a little with eyes unknowing of the betrayal he was about to commit, he forced himself not to blink. This would be the last time he'd see the love in your eyes.

He pretended as if it didn't break his heart.

-

The first thing Steve did after returning the stones was find Peggy in her townhouse.

They had their dance.

He tried not to think of the people he left behind.

-

They bought a house together a year later.

It was completed with a white picket fence, a large backyard and a patio. It was the whole shebang he always wanted and yet he felt that sinking feeling something was missing.

He tended to ignore that, fearing what he would find and realize if he delved into it.

Steve was a little surprised when Peggy announced she wanted him to retire and resort to desk work. It wasn't like her, but she'd explained that almost losing him to the plane crash and having him back made her realize how grave the risks of sending him to missions were.

_But the world needs Captain America, Peg._

_And they can have him but behind a desk training other recruits.The world was not ready to lose you, Steve. When we did- it was bad. You are the symbol of hope. What happens when we lose you again?_

He relented, agreeing it was for the best even when he felt a little reluctant to let go of the shield. He knew you would never have asked him of this. Once, he brought it up when the topic of kids came about and you gave him a look, sighed, rested your head on his chest and said, _I do need Steve Rogers, but so does the rest of the world. Just make sure you come home after._

You would've throttled him if he ever thought to even ask you to stop.

Steve felt himself stiffen when a small smile crossed his face at the thought of you.

He held Peggy tighter that night.

-

Steve had tried looking for Bucky.

He tried using his knowledge from the future to help locate him, but Hydra got word of Captain America's return and immediately switched locations. Locations that weren’t in any of the listed ones Steve knew. Thus, Steve began weeding out possible undercover Hydra agents within the beginnings of SHIELD.

His return had sparked huge attention. Celebrations were held, parties reached all over the country. He got to meet the Commandos again and of course, he met with Howard. After knowing the relationship between Tony and his father, Steve had gotten a little more harder around the man.

It was hard to forget how bad their relationship was.

And how was he supposed to look him in the eye when in his original time, his best friend had killed him and his wife? Knowing these things were a curse. It was true yet untrue.

It did happen but it also didn’t.

Howard's tech was incredible, there was no doubt about it, but he was no Anthony Stark. The search for Bucky was long and tedious, often having dead ends.

He never found Bucky until many years later.

Time had gone by.

Days became weeks and weeks became months and months became years.

Peggy and Steve had two kids together.

One boy and one girl.

When their kids were born, Steve never felt love so deep so quickly. And for some time, when his first born, his son, was brought to life, Steve almost forgot about that void in his heart. It almost made him forget.

Henry James Rogers was his eldest.

Then, two years after him, they had a daughter.

(Your first name) Rogers.

Peggy had asked Steve what he wanted to name their child if she was a girl when she was four months along. Steve had been laying beside her, stroking her belly when your name slipped from his lips. It made him freeze up. He could feel the start of a panic attack happening but he forced himself through it.

It was the first time he’d said your name since leaving.

He didn't think about it. Didn't think about how wrong that was and how entirely fucked up it was- naming your child after the woman you <strike>love</strike> loved but left behind.

The woman your wife didn't know about.

Or at least thats what he thought.

But Peggy was always sharp.

She was no fool.

She knew Steve had been through a lot in the future, that he had spent quite some time there and even without him saying it, she knew Steve had met someone else. Someone he still thought about when they laid together at night and she would wake up to see him staring at the watch by his bedside, eyes a little glassy and nostalgic. Like some pleasant memory was playing before his eyes that he wished he could touch or go back to, but couldn’t.

It hurt to know someone else had his heart.

So she never asked.

She didn’t ask for a name or how she looked like. She didn’t give Steve any hint of her knowing about this mystery woman. She blissfully played ignorance to the lost love in Steve's heart until now. Because the moment Steve had uttered that name for their daughter, she knew it was _hers_. The way Steve had breathed it out, the way his eyes had gone a little hazy from his thoughts- no doubt from thinking about (y/n).

So she bit down on her lip, hummed her approval and once again, played ignorance even when her heart had ached.

She didn't want to think about you. About what you and Steve had gone through. What you and him had. She didn’t want to compare the love she had with Steve and the love you had with him in fear that maybe, one outweighed the other.

All she knew was that you were pretty darned special. That you were so important, Steve wanted to name his daughter after you.

That she was important enough to take what was once Peggy's place, but he was here wasn't he? He chose her. That meant something. And that something put her worries and heartache to rest. Or as close to rest as it could be.

So Peggy would go back to sleep, pretend she didn't see the tear that would trail down his cheek all because he chose her in the end.

Because in the end of the day, that had to be enough.

-

Steve never stopped his search for Bucky.

He was growing agitated but eventually, he did find him. He found him in cryo but he couldn’t take him out. Not yet. The technology wasn’t there to help him. If Steve pulled Bucky out right now, he was certain the soldier would greet him and not the neighborhood punk he’d known since childhood.

So he waited.

And waited.

He waited until he was already old and gray when technology was at its finest.

Unlike in the original timeline, Steve became Tony’s uncle. It was sad in a way. The first time he held Tony’s little, frail body when he was born, memories of their friendship played in his head. All those jokes and fights but overall comradeship he had with the boy was gone. He would never have a place by his side in the way he once did. 

That type of brotherhood was gone.

In the end, Howard and Maria still pass. Maria got sick. Howard worked himself to death. Tony still had Jarvis, but now he had Steve too. He watched him grow up, making some of the same mistakes he once did but also avoided the others. Steve made sure Stane was caught before he had the chance to hurt Tony.

But still, iron man emerged from the ground.

It’s funny to think about. Avoiding the circumstance that led him to becoming iron man had no effect. Destiny still found it’s way. Eventually, Tony manages to invent something to help with Bucky’s scrambled mind. The process is long, but it works.

Steve had his best friend back.

Steve was older and lost his youth, but that was fine. Bucky was fine.

And things were finally starting to look complete.

-

It was inevitable.

There was no going around it.

That one day, it would catch up to him.

That one day, he’d have to face the music.

That one day, you would return.

It had been casual. Unexpected.

Steve was at home, reading the paper as he wondered when his son and daughter would visit with their respective spouses and kids when Peggy brought it up. Her back was turned from him, her hands under the sink as she washed some dishes. Soap suds trickled down her forearms.

“There’s this new recruit we found. She’s young, inexperienced but she has a lot of promise. A good heart. A good kid.”

Steve didn’t look away from the sentence he was reading and gave a noncommittal hum as he turned over the next page,

“That so?”  
  
“Yes, I’m sure one day she’ll become one of our finest agents. I believe she's going to be transferred to Bucky’s group. (L/N), (F/N) (L/M).”  
  
Steve felt his blood grow cold.

His heart pounded against this chest, his ears ringing with the rush of his blood. No, no this wasn't right. You weren’t supposed to come yet. You were stationed in Europe undercover until two years from now. He panicked inside, wondering what the hell this meant. What you arriving this early meant.

Having changed things, it was only natural there would be a domino effect. Steve just didn’t think you’d be involved in that too. Blue eyes lift from the page to his wife who was still turned from him,

“She’s amazing, Steve.”

_Yeah._

He thinks.

_I know._

-

It’s been a year since Bucky was out of the ice and his mind was finally his again. It’s been a year since you transferred here in New York. Steve never gathered the courage to look for you. He knew exactly where you were, what time you had training, who was training you; but he never went out there to see for himself. He had the desire to- _God, did he ever_\- but he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to see your pretty face and have all those memories crush into him. He wasn’t ready to see your youthful smile and realize he'd long lost his youth. 

To remember that his frail, bony hands could no longer hold your soft, smaller ones. That his smaller, weaker, hunched frame could never stand along your lithe, strong one.

He can’t stand to see you again.

Not because he doesn't want to see you but because he doesn't want to see the lack of love in your eyes. To see no hint of recognition, maybe a little curiosity at meeting someone knew, but nothing like the way you used to look at him. He doesn't want to see you and _finally _see for himself that all those memories you had with one another are lost to you.

That the only one who knew what you two were to each other was him.

So he hid away, the coward that he is, and lived life as if he wasn’t dying to see you one last time. 

As if he didn’t feel the ghost of your lips at night.

-

He finds out six months later.

He wasn't prepared, not that he would ever be.

There was nothing leading up to it. No suspenseful music in the background. It was simply put out there as the matter of fact. Bucky didn’t know, hell no one did, but when he came over for dinner and they were all sat around the table eating the meatloaf Peggy had made, he said it so bluntly it hurt. 

He said it so casually because he had no idea.

He had no idea how these eight words made the ground beneath Steve tear open and swallow him whole. He had no idea how these eight words wrapped around Steve’s neck and strangled the life of him. He had no idea how these eight words made Steve momentarily hate his best friend. 

Steve had been choked silent. 

He only stared at Bucky who had been happily munching on his food, waiting for the “just kidding” he knew deep inside that wasn’t going to come.

_“I’ve been seeing someone. Her name is (Y/N).”_

Steve shouldn't have been surprised. He should’ve seen it coming. Realistically, he knew that one day you would find someone to hold a place in your heart. That one day the spot Steve used to take up would be occupied by someone else. By this nameless man Steve undoubtedly hated.

But he could live with that.

Steve would be hurt and heartbroken over what you could’ve had but he would be okay since he would never have to see it. He’d never have to see you start your life with someone else. He’d never have to see you get engaged, get married, _have kids_. 

Steve would never have to watch you live the life you two had once planned together with someone else.

But this? This changed everything.

This was cruel.

If God was up there, stringing them along and making plans, this was the ultimate punishment. Because not only were you moving on in your life without him, you were moving on with his best friend. 

It makes Steve wonder.

If his _you_ met Bucky first, would you and Steve never have fallen in love?

It hurts to think about, but you would have, wouldn’t you?

“Oh, Bucky. I’m so happy for you. She’s a wonderful girl.”

Peggy’s delighted voice breaks Steve out of his thoughts.

He clears his throat, blinking away the sheet of tears in his eyes before Peggy and Buck could notice and plasters on a smile,

“I’m happy for you pal.”

He had never been so good at lying until now.

-

He was great at it.

Avoiding you, that is.

Bucky had tried to get him to meet you, but Steve always managed to swerve around it. Bucky didn't seem to notice. But no matter how many times he manages to weasel himself out of it, it doesn't change a thing.It doesn’t change the fact you two were going strong. That you two were officially together for two years now.

Part of him, the spiteful, resentful part, hoped you two would break it off at one point. And he hated himself for it. He hated the part of him that wished such a misfortune on you two.

He hated the jealousy coursing through him even after decades.

He hated his selfishness. 

God couldnt be this cruel to him, could he? He couldn’t be so cruel to make him watch you fall deeper and deeper in love.

The answer was _yes_. 

He could.

But he supposes it really isn’t all his fault.

Steve was the one who made the choice in the end, after all.

He was the one who made up his mind, who pressed the button and decided to stay. He was the one who decided to leave you.

So he can't blame anyone else but himself.

But he does so anyway.

It hurt way less when he did.

-

Steve fussed at his suit cuffs.

The Avengers still form without him. The group is mostly the same. Thor is sitting beside Jane Foster and her quirky assistant, Darcy Lewis. Tony is sitting in the front row with Morgan and Pepper beside him. Natasha and Bruce are there, hands intertwined with pleased smiles on their faces. Clint is on the other side with Laura and the kids and Sam, well Sam is beside him with Bucky.

It makes him a little reminiscent. 

His team was here yet they knew him as Captain Rogers. Not _Capsicle_, _Old man_, not even as Steve. If he had cussed out loud, there wouldn’t be an onslaught of teasing _Language_’s chorusing after him. There’s nothing that cemented them together. No reason as to why they would get close. Tony was like his nephew, sure, but the others saw him as another agent. Sam, his once close friend, gives him polite nods and smiles but that’s all there is.

He swallows, straightening up when the piano changes tune.

The music plays on, filling his ears as everyone watches the doors pull open. He had to remind himself to breathe because finally, when he finally sees you again, you’re wearing a pretty white dress with a matching veil over your face. Your gown is lace, cinched at the waist, your hair done up and pretty and the bouquet in your hands are a mix of white buttercup flowers and lily’s. 

You’re breathtaking.

A true sight to behold.

As he stands there beside Bucky whose gone misty eyed and discretely wiping away his tears at the sight of you, Steve allows himself this moment to imagine. In his head, he’s young again. He’s wearing a black tux, Bucky and Sam by his side as he stands in Bucky’s place right now. 

He waits, watches and marvels at the sight of you.

He waits as you walk to him, your father leading you.

You would smile at him, cheeky and gleeful and he would have no choice but to smile back because you were just so gorgeous, so beautiful, _so his_. He’d breathe in when you’re only a few steps away, hold his hand out and feel that thrill run up his spine when you put your hand in his. The two of you would be lost for a moment. So lost in each other that you forget everyone was there and the world would just fall at your feet.

Then he opens his eyes.

You are walking, but not toward him.

You walk right by him and to your fiancé.

Bucky stands there, a blinding smile in place as your father gives you away to the groom. Steve reminds himself not to break. Not to lose the strength and walk away. He holds himself still, eyes greedily taking you in as you two say your vows. And when the priest asks if anyone would object, Steve has to reel himself in because who was he to interfere?

Who was he other than the man who gave you up- gave this up?

So he stood there, his sorrows drowned out by the sound of hoots and cheers when Bucky finally clasps your face between his hands and kisses you. It’s the kiss of a lifetime. The kiss that says goodbye and hello. Goodbye to (Y/N) (L/N) and hello to (Y/N) Barnes. Its heartbreakingly beautiful. 

You smile into his kiss, eyes fluttering shut as you giggle.

Steve’s heart breaks in half but yours is so full you never notice.

-

That night, Steve cries in his sleep.

Peggy holds him tight.

-

The next morning as they ate cereal in silence, she finally asks,

“It’s her, isn't it?”

Steve froze for a second, looked her in the eyes before nodding,

“Yes.”

-

He loses Peggy a year later.

-

The next time he sees you is when James is born. Little James was brought to the world at seven pounds, crying and screaming into the sky, small fists and legs kicking up. Steve had to hold himself up when he saw him.

So small, so beautiful.

A mini version of you with your hair color.

He felt himself yearn, wonder what your child would’ve looked like. How many children you two would've had. He didnt regret having his children, he only regretted never having the chance to have yours. His imagination could only go so far. He tried to picture it: you laying there as he stroked your hair back, the both of you amazed at the sight of your baby nestled at your chest.

His chest ached.

It was only when you fell asleep in the hospital bed that Steve finally got to hold baby James. Bucky needed to go to the bathroom and asked Steve to hold his son for a little. Steve looked down at the unsuspecting baby, eyes tearing at the miracle in his arms.

Half of you and half of Bucky.

He was so small in his arms, so warm and calm.

Steve wondered how it was possible to hate and love someone so much.

Hate how this child was living, breathing proof of your love.

And yet he can’t hate this child entirely. Not when he had your face. Not when he was the son of his best friend.

Steve chuckled wetly, tracing the baby’s plump cheek,

“-orry,”

He whispered into the silence,

“I’m so sorry.”  
  
He wasn’t sure if he was talking to the baby who was caught in the crossfire or Bucky, who didn’t know he was in love with his wife. He wasn't sure if he was talking to you, who still slept soundly, for abandoning you. Abandoning your future. Or if he was talking to himself, for torturing himself with the _what ifs_.

The _what if_ he didn’t leave.

The _what if_ you two had gotten married.

The _what if_ you two had kids.

He couldn’t do anything more than mourn for it. Mourn for the lost chance. 

And as you laid there, sleeping your exhaustion away, he smiles when you wrinkle your nose the way you always did when you fell asleep beside him. It hurts knowing so much about a person who doesn’t know you. It hurts, knowing how it was to be loved by you and never having it again.

So he mourns until his last breath.

Mourns for Bucky.

Mourns for you.

Mourns for him.

Mourns for what could’ve been. 


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys, I was wondering if you wanted a mini chapter about Steve and Reader having a conversation after she gave birth. She still won’t have any memories of Steve, I just want to drag this angst on LOL


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I changed it up a bit :')

Steve knew he didn’t have much time left.

He felt it in his heart, in the very core of his soul that his life was coming to an end. Old age eventually catches up to everyone and despite all the suffering he’s been through, he could only wait. He was laid there on his hospital bed, waiting as time ticked away second by second. His children and their family were just outside the room, talking to the doctors and trying to see if they could do anything to prolong his life. If there’s anything more they could do. The Barnes’ were here too.<strike> _You_ were here too</strike>.

The ironic part was, he didn’t really want more.

Steve was tired.

He was so very tired.

He wanted to rest. To finally go into sleep and never wake up. He wonders if it’s anything like the time he first woke up from the ice. If by the time he passes, he’d open his eyes to blinding light or if he would just drift into nothingness. If there was a Heaven, and he wasn’t sure if there was anymore or if he was even qualified to be in there, what image would greet him?

Would he see Peggy? The Commandos? Would he see his mother? His father? All the people he’d lost? Would he see _you_?

God, he hoped he would. 

He hoped that when all was said and done and he was finally allowed to _go_, you would be the sight that would lead him away. He knows if you were the one reaching out to him, he’d follow you anywhere in a heartbeat. He wouldn’t think twice.

“Steve?”

Steve blearily blinks, turning his head ever so slowly to the side. The breathing tubes were a little hindering, and so was the annoying, constant beeping from the heart monitor. He swears the monitor picks up its pace when his gaze settles on you.

Because like the angel you were, you were quietly entering the room in a pretty white sundress complete with frills and little bows. He was certain that Becca, your baby girl, was the one who picked out your outfit for you. You looked at Steve with a small smile, such gentleness and fondness from your eyes and his heart aches. He longed to see you. To feel you the way he once used to. 

His fingers twitch to reach up and touch you. To push back a stray of your hair behind your ear and call you _beautiful _but he doesn’t do it. Like many times since your marriage to Bucky, he refrains from doing anything inappropriate. Not like he had any strength left to do it anyway. He’d become so frail. Like glass, he’d break at any given time.

He manages a small smile. Barely a lift of his lips, but you catch it anyway. You approach him slowly, cautiously almost, as if you’re afraid making too much noise would send him to his grave faster. It’s endearing. It’s cute. It’s so _you_ that it hurts.

You finally reach him, and you bend to sit down on the chair each and every one of his family members sat on when they were saying their goodbyes. It was your turn, he muses. Your turn to say goodbye. And it’s quite fitting, really. That you’re the last one. You’re the last to say goodbye when he was the first to leave you. 

Not that you knew that.

When you settle on your seat, you’re still giving him that small smile. Your bright eyes are dimmed from their usual liveliness. It’s dampened with sadness, pity, maybe a little bit of familial love, and it’s selfish to think, but Steve is happy to know you cared so much. So much that his missing presence would hurt you.

Then again, it shouldn’t come as a surprise. He had become friends with you since you gave birth to James. It was hard. God, it was hard to act like he knew absolutely nothing about you when he knew everything. It was hard to act surprised when you gave him part of yourself little by little. To act as if he didn’t know your favorite book was this or that movie was your go-to on a Friday night.

He was re-learning you and somehow, that only managed to push him deeper in love. It felt exhilarating yet numbing.

The gleam of your wedding ring catches his eyes and his chest caves in.

Steve had thought, foolishly thought, that he would eventually get used to the fact you married his best friend. That if he saw you enough, he’d soon accept the fact you love Bucky. That you have a family with him, and have two beautiful children with him. That you would spend the rest of your life with him.

That you were no longer _his_.

He had thought that if faced the music and lived through it, it would no longer hurt. That eventually, the pain and sting if losing you would thin out until it was nothing but a memory. A small ache.

But he was a fool.

It made no difference.

All it did was make him a better liar.

“Hi there, Stevie.”  
  
_“Stevie, baby. Wake up, we have work to do.”_

“How are you?”

_“I love you, Steve. So much.”_

Steve has to push out those thoughts from his mind. The memories you two spent with each other plays in his head constantly and he has to ground himself before he loses himself to his fantasies.

It’s unfair he thinks.

As you sit there, the perfect picture of life with baby number three in your belly, opposite of him, who was laying in his deathbed, waiting for the reaper to cut the cord. 

Life and death.

Such a contrast yet so beautifully intertwined.

Steve doesn’t know what to say, so he keeps quiet. And you continue speaking without restraint. As if you knew about his inner torment. You fill up the silence in the room so that your soft melodious voice is what he hears and not the monitors keeping track of his vitals. He hopes he falls asleep to this. That this is the final lullaby of his life. If this was how he went, he supposes it wasn’t all too bad.

“Bucky and I decided to call her Amelia.”  
  
You whispered, gently rubbing your protruding stomach. 

“Though I didn’t really give Bucky the chance to object.”

_“What about “Amelia”, Steve? Isn’t that such a cute name?_”

“Did I ever tell you how I told Bucky about the pregnancy? When we first had James? I had the test inside a gift bag. Told him it was our anniversary and that he must’ve forgotten. He didnt believe me. Honestly, I think he got upset because he thought I got the date wrong.”

You laugh a little and again, there’s a sharp edged pain that stabs in his side. Your laugh was so affectionate, so_ in love_ that he couldn’t bear to hear more. But he didn’t want you to stop talking, so he remains silent. Then it hits him. The bitter cold wraps around his heart and he feels as though the ground beneath him was chipping apart piece by piece.

_No. God, no. Please, no. No, no no._

The last time he’d seen you, the day Steve was returning the stones, you told him you had a gift for him. He thought nothing of it. Thought it was just typical (y/n) being sweet and loving. You hadn’t said anything about an anniversary like you told Bucky but he knows, deep down he knows, it was the same.

The day he left was the day you were going to tell him about your pregnancy.

He had not only abandoned you, but your unborn baby.

Steve had erased everything.

He erased your love.

He erased all you were to each other.

He erased the existence of your baby._ His_ baby. He had erased the little family he didnt know he had. Steve’s breathing began to harbor and you begin to panic. You’re shocked, clear panic in your pretty eyes and he has to force himself to calm down. Only to spare you of your worry. He manages to, just barely but you still look uneasy. It worries you so much you tell him you’re going to find a doctor.

It’s later that night when he allows himself to break apart.

-

The weight of reality is heavy. 

Over the coarse of the week, everyone comes back to and from the hospital waiting. They all know Steve’s time is almost up. They’re all just waiting for it.

It’s when everyone left to go eat lunch at the cafeteria that his final guest visits.

Dressed in his dark blue robe and the thick red cloak, the gleaming green of the amulet shines bright. Steve manages to smile when Stephen Strange floats over to him. The latter looks almost sympathetic but at the same time, stoic. Steve was only glad the Doctor gave in to his plea to meet him.

“I can’t bring you back in time.”

Blunt as ever, Strange doesn’t bother to stall. He doesn’t know Steve Rogers, but he does all at the same time. He knows _one_ of him from the thousands of versions of himself did, and he’s seen the life of the soldier. He knows what _this _Steven Grant Rogers did and lost. He knows what he regrets.

Steve chuckles, the smile not wavering,

“I wasn’t going to ask you to.”

He swallows, turning away from the wizard <strike>Tony always called him that</strike> and stares at the ceiling. There’s a minute of silence. 

“I just- I want to see it.”

Steve says softly. His voice breaks and he has to shut his eyes to blink away the tears. His emotions were haywire. He had never felt such unbearable pain. He thought that finally, when he gets to rest, he would be free from this burden. The burden he put himself up for. But he knows it would follow him. Even after death.

“I want to see the life I would’ve… _could’ve_ had.”

Strange doesn’t respond and Steve begins to think his plea would go unanswered but then he feels Strange’s hand on his head and he’s suddenly thrust into light. By the time he regains his senses, he realizes something is different.

He’s not inside the hospital room anymore. He’s doing dishes, hands under the sink washing away the suds from the dish soap. His arms have thick muscles,_young, youthful, whatever you want to call it_, and it doesn’t take long for him to realize he’s probably at the age where he’d left. He was probably at the time he had you.

Steve shuts off the sink.

He’s afraid to call out to you. To speak your name and realize this is all but a dream, a sick joke and you won’t answer back because you’re not_ his_. He’s standing there stiffly, unsure what to say or do until he doesn’t have to be the one who makes a decision. Until he doesn’t have to be the one to make a move.

Next thing he knows, he feels something tug at his pants.

He looks down and his heart soars. A chubby, blonde baby in nothing but diapers looks up at him and he has to hold his breath because the baby_ has your eyes_. Steve’s throat closes in on him, his eyes tearing up as the baby, unknowing of his pain, stares up at him innocently.

It’s you but it’s also him.

And then, the baby reaches out, chubby arms opened and flailing at him and he goes,

“Dada-”

He stumbles a bit. That’s all it takes for Steve to bend down, carefully picking up _his baby , your _baby and cradles him to his chest. The baby he’d never got to know. To watch grow up. To see, to touch. And his warmth feels so real Steve almost thinks this is reality. 

“Jamie, baby, wait for mama.”

Steve looks up from his beautiful baby boy to see you.

You’re wearing his shirt, tied at the bottom so it wouldn’t engulf you whole and shorts you paired with it was dirtied from something red. Steve glances down at _Jamie_ to see similar stains on his little hands. The scent of strawberry filling his nostrils. But he couldn’t really care.

Steve couldnt really care about the fact Jamie was getting his shirt dirty. Or that Jamie was tugging at his hair and probably getting it sticky with strawberry jam. No, his focus was entirely on you.

You were standing there, making your _mom _face at the babbling toddler that Steve always saw when you scolded Becca or James. You, who looked so domestic and loving and caring. And when your eyes shift from the baby to him, he almost breaks out in a cry because the love was there. The love he’d lost was _there_.

“Stevie, baby, are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

Steve responds, and it’s almost funny because he sounds anything _but_ okay. It reflects in the way you’re staring at him incrediously. Like you don’t believe him. You’re right not to. And then he’s walking over to you, draping his arm around you as he holds his little family close to him. And he revels and relishes the way you respond in kind.

He savors the way you wrap your arms around him without an ounce of hesitation. The way your kiss at his neck like you used to.

“I’m great, Sweetheart. I’m perfect.”

And in another world, another time, he was. He would’ve been happy and content in another dimension. But this Steve, the one lost in the afterimage of what his life could’ve been was still in his deathbed. But he was smiling. Eyes shut as he lost himself to the perfect dream. He was undisturbed even when a stray tear slipped from the corner of his eye.

And the beeping of the monitor slows until the only thing left behind was the prolonged final beep. But even that comes to an eventual end.

Stephen Strange is gone by the time doctors and nurses burst through the door, and the only sight that greeted them was the smiling face of Steve Rogers.

Some said he looked happy.

Others said he looked content.

You thought he finally looked free.


End file.
